My life,my blog has always been open to all who want to read, but lately it’s been hard to write, think and feel. Well, I feel this heartache, this pain I can not put an exact word to.. My family and I are broken.
I hate that I have no choice, but to share this IT, this thing that can not be human and he doesn’t compare to a misunderstood monster.
I was encouraged to continue to write, my cousin was one of my biggest supporters and encourager. It helps some. I feel helpless, I don’t know what too do with myself anymore..
Court is tomorrow, but the DA said victim survivor’s typical don’t go to this one, its like the go over charges or something its not the ominoubus hearing. I was told to attend any court dates after that and I will go to the one on the 23rd. I will not attend this one, but Sister Auntie & my cousin will go. I ask that you pray for physical and emotional strength. You may wonder if my daughter will go and we been taking it day by day with her, plus she’s stable and I feel seeing him may trigger..but if she decides to go…
I honestly feel if I see that It, Thang I will jump over the divider, throw a shoe or something. I can actually see myself like literally doing it too and Im one who can act upon my impulses, and IT needs to feel my fist iron bat, shoe heel upside his head. 🤷🏿♀️
Fyi: I referred to my adopted daughter as “adopted” instead of just “daughter ” because she knows her mom, I adopted her when she was 11yr old. She calls me Auntie Dee.
She’s doing as well as can be and we bumped heads bcuz she said Im treating her like a baby…IDK, but she has started the job she was hired for the week prior to the horror and she’s loving it. I thought it was too soon to be going outside, talking on the phone and etc. She has been to her therapy appointments and everything and it was recommended to let her live as she had before the trauma. Let her be 16yr old…Let’s just say it’s easier said than done. My neice has her under her wing, helping her through this better than me. They taking care of business and I’m crying and can’t sleep..
She’s amazing, I can’t believe how resilient she is and maybe is was being in foster care since she was 2yrs old, she was shot when she was 5yrs old and several placements. It wasn’t easy with her and if you know the affects of being in foster care at an early age and how the kids develop issues from Fetal Alchohol Syndrome, then there’s Attachment Disorder, Oppositional & Emotional Disorders and in her case add PTSD from being shot in a drive by shooting at such a young age.. The average adult would have had a nervous breakdown a long time ago.
I’m looking over it all, how hard some days were and not understanding why I cant get threw to this child, it all makes sense now. Even though she had the bad behaviours, she had then for reasons not of her own and life story started off hard affecting her ability to bond and trust, but her life experience, beginng left on a porch of a house that was set on fire, getting shot, a revolving door of foster homes…It was all bad, but she learned survival… None of us could have survived all she has been through and Im proud of her and I’m inspired by her.
She has a big purpose, something very important. She used to want to be marine biologist, now she says psychologist, but she highly intelligent so can be anything she wants to be and i hope this doesn’t hinger her from graduating on time and having her pick of colleges with a nice scholarship or ya never know God fix my bank account so that I can pay for the best college education for her. She certainly deserves it.