Life Memoir

Dear Life & The People Who Dump Their Baggage on Me

I refused to allow another day to go by with the lies and pain of carring around others baggage, especially the bags filled with feelings from Murderand Death. I will not accept it at all. My life and all I sacrificed will not go unnoticed, nor will all I went through be in vain.

People forget we live in a world of “Google” and that true friends will not only dry your eyes, but unearth what was forgotten to assist you in reminding those who have.

I have a platform to advocate for others and myself and I will do so with respect and dignity. Some use media to exploit, intimidate, scare and embarrass, but true media, true journalism is used to inform and educate.

The pain and anger of murder/death, the lack of justice for your loved one could be redirected to the closest people in your life. The murder of your loved one can and will kill off entire families due to the evil act of another. The person and/or people who are just as helpless as any victim, but the attackers are not equipped with a weapon or use of their hands, the offender in this case is your treasured loved one whose tongue shoots words that peirce the heart and slashes the soul..

I’m simply tired of carrying this pain, Im tired of being someone’s victim so they can heal. I will not allow them to dump the anger they feel towards the offener on me. I will not be enslaved to their vicious tongues, nor will I hide in the darkness of my own pain.

I’m never checked on, just dumped on, I’m never given an apology even after facts have been made. The one person to come to my aide is no longer on this earth, but she left me fully equipped to break the chains of bondage that a loved one secured me in.

What you/ya’ll done to me has not only affected my grieving process, but broken my spirit, took my joy and inability to trust. Your lack of love and concern for me and the loss of my loved one, yes they where as equally a part of my life as yours, but we shared a different bond than the two of you, but we had a bond noless. Your attempt to take on the role of “Master” in my life to control my past and spiritual relationship is nonexistent, because I serve no Master other than My God.

My beloved and I, the times and memories that we shared have nothing to do with you, therefore you are unable to void out what we shared or divorce me from him or her.

Since 2006 I have lost three cousins and my grandmother and out of fear of you, but more so wanting to honor their lives I grieved solo. Honestly, I’m not sure that I have grieved for them due to carrying a load which is not mines, but I chose to carry it, because unlike you and inspite of the hurt and pain, I love you. My days and nights are filled with praying for you and everyone else to heal, grieve, be mad, while I walk around with a broken heart.. I can no longer allow myself to live with the burden, carrying a load which isn’t mines.

This bag of anger, hate, confusion, mean spirited and ugliness belongs to YOU, The MURDERER & DEATH. At this moment I sit it, your BAGGAGE on your doorstep and I’m walking away. Walking away doesn’t mean I don’t forgive you, even though a part of me wants to inflict the same pain on you that you did me, but I’m not cut like that. I no way share the vindictive blood that makes it way throughout your body to pump your coldblooded heart.

I’m giving You, your load of evil so you can go through it and distribute it to the appropriate people such as THE KILLER, THE MURDERER, THE CANCER, THE DISEASE & ANGER that you just can’t seem to toss in the trash, because you love to weigh others down with your EVIL. As a token of my appreciation for all the damage you have done to my heart and soul, I will add a MIRROR & MY PICTURE so you can look at YOUR REFLECTION and then look at me to see the damage you inflicted on me out out spite, boredom and meaness.

I did nothing, but love you and OUR LOVED ONE. You need to see that. You need to face yourself in the mirror and deal with the lies you told on me. You need to face yourself in the mirror of all you denied me. You need to deal with your reflection of all that you have done to me, but you need to take your mask off first, so you can really see what lurks behind it and do yourself a favor and show the world who you really are.

While you looking and hopefully reflecting, I’ll allow myself to finally remember what I shared with each of them without concern for you. I’m gonna buy balloons and release them in honor of them without worrying about you. I’m gonna go to the ocean and throw each a letter in a bottle and tell them of all I been though without mentioning you. I’m gonna go to the cemetery with the most beautiful roses in my hands, I will sit in peace and have a talk with my love without any fear of you.

Simply said, I’m tired and I take my power back and I openly call you my offender and the only justice I want is to grieve in peace, I want you to lying on me, I want you to get out of my relationship with my loved one, whom I lost too. Honor our relationship as I do yours. I recall someone saying “She was not your Mama because you didn’t come this many times, he wasn’t your Daddy cuz you dont hv his last name, or as I was told she wasn’t your Momo” Sweetheart, please scroll through my life not Facebook, but my life and you will see there’s no denying our bond. To the people that these evil hurtful words were spoken to please know your presence was not needed to define your relationship with anyone and possibly if you look in that mirror you may see who the blame lies on. The person that tongue was spitting that fire needs to revalate you to own up to your words and leave me be, because I have no room for the tactic of the devil.

You know what through all the lies, hate, being used and abuse I’m proud of myself. Through it all I somehow managed to carry the heavy heartbreaking sack of pain, put on my blinders and continue to be a help to them all. I never once turn on them and threw their bag of shit on them, I carried it broken, but never bitter.

Throughout this hard process, I will finally tell all you how I feel…. Fuck you! I really want my turn to be mad, but mad is an understatement I’m offended! I’m angry at myself for always standing up for someone else, but never for myself.I realize I have been used, betrayed and enslaved by so many, but the deepest cut was done by my Auntie for most of my life, we were peas in a pod. Even today I’m wondering how I have lived life without her. Betrayal will change the dynamics of any foundation and it did so with ours as with many others.

One thing I ask is that if you spoke words to be sweet, sassy or sinister I ask that your word be your bond. I ask that if you feel the need to hurt me stay away from me. I heard the word “I want to fight you and I hate you ” come from lips that used to bless me with kisses. When I asked why?? I received no reply, but the feelings stem from the seeds of the devil that are just about ready for Harvest Time, but my Momo not only sang her favorite song to me, but she educated me on reaping the harvest of the seeds That I Planted and I know They will bear a bounty of Sweet Loving Fruit.

As I exit your lives for good, I state for good, because I’m no fool and will not trust any door you open for me. I will leave you all with this, please state facts and please call me if there’s any confusion. Don’t lie on me. My door has always been open, will stay open and I will never turn anyone away, except this most recent lie is unforgivable.

Im starting my grieving process right now in black in white.

I want all of you to know that no man, woman or child no matter who you are to the person love, You can not and will Not Stop the Bond, Love and Relationship I have with them EVER. The lil BS I been allowing to happen was out of respect to the relationship and to not add to another embarrassing moment to our fading family Legacy.

I miss my Momo terribly, Im not sorry for saying my Momo, because we had our own personal relationship just as well as me and all of you. Thank you for your spiritual and missionary influence.

Shay, I’m broken into a million pieces, Im still in denial. Kobe told me off living somewhere in his mind and that’s what I will believe for now. I just wish i knew where. Thank you for being all that you are to me. It hurts so bad and all I have left is your words “Dee just Go” and I’m going it may take me a moment to get there, but right now it’s hard because of people and as soon as I wrote that I heard your response lol.

Brandon thank you for making me feel like I accomplished something, thanking you for acknowledging and motivating me. At your funeral I said ” I had the joy of always being a part of you and Corey’s life. Ya’ll were my first babysitting job and you was a bad mean lil boy, you didn’t like nobody, but you turned out to be so hardworking sweet and popular “Thank you for always carrying those 50lb boxes of wings for me, always grabbing the box telling me “Cuz, you don’t need to be lifting up no heavy boxes”

Mel, a part of me wishes that you could see all I have gone through since you been gone, because I know you would take care of it. It wasn’t only the evil Killer that hurt me by taking you, but the very people we are connected to. You were more than my lil cousin you were my Big Brother, with each blink of my eyes there’s a memory of us. The most precious memory was when you canceled your Valentine’s date to take me out, I didnt let you, but when you came back with her and we watched movies and ate chocolate you brought us. I’m trying to suck up this hurt, but they made it ten times worse. I can see your face as you, my Mama and George came to see me on my lunch break. I told you not to be late and you never came, part of me is still waiting. Thank you for making me feel so special and valued and for thinking I could be successful at any and everything, I’m still trying. I know you wld be hyped bout the new Reebok Soldiers, Ill get a pair for Keenen in honor of you. You said he was gonna be a baller a he is almost done with college. Im just broken Mel and it’s horrible, i can’t believe how they are, but I’m moving on without them. But on a brighter note I spoke to Keedy…

I would like to thank Keedy for calling me, making amends with me regarding his brother’s murder. I wish he would have told me everything, but i can understand how difficult it was to repeat that. I love you for making things right between us.

Dee

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