Living To Love Only To Die?

I can’t sleep tonight. My mind, heart and soul filled with worry, hurt and anger. I been trying to manage with things by staying busy but between Mel son sending me a msg just saying “Auntie Dee ” and my heart sank  because he was a baby when Mel was killed and haven’t ever called out to his Daddy and received a response.I’m so angry that  no one helping with solving  Brandon’s murder and thinking of Dana, who will never see her baby boy again. I see my Noelle post a picture of her unborn baby, I try to be happy looking at a new life, but am quickly reminded Darel is gone and she’s a young widow and  its Thanksgiving and even though she wasn’t the same from dementia, she was with us and this will be our 1st year without Momo….my heart just hurts and I’m mad at the same time…

 We go on with life, half way fucked up from just being alive dealing with death of a loved one. We are born, we develop bonds and love for our family and friends, we grow up to go live on our own, add more relationships to our lives and during living we have to say goodbye to all these people we love…… It just doesn’t seem fair. 

The realization of it all has me worried about my family, my children and grandchildren. I don’t want them to feel this pain, this hurt so deep in my soul, the madness in my mind trying to make sense of it. I don’t want this for them. I buried my baby, she was a month old and would be 27yrs old on Aug. 10th.. It took the breathe from me.  I didn’t want to live with that pain that imagine of my tiny baby, laying in a white coffin with satin lining looking like a baby doll. Lord, please understand this pain.

When my Daddy died of lung cancer, I heard the news of him having cancer at the same time hearing he was gonna die. It was days before Christmas 2003 and I had to leave my young children behind, taking back some of their toys to go say goodbye. He died the 29th of December, not giving me any time to process his illness. I was broken for years even now I have my days. I get angry, because he said he was taking me,  my sister and our children to Disney the following month… I was so angry at him and at God. 

I’m angry now, because my family has two unsolved murder victims, they, we have no JUSTICE and I know the people don’t care, but what about God?

I can get on my knees and beg, make promises to God to be the best person ever, but that won’t keep the pain of death away. It won’t keep me or my family members from suffering. I’m not sure what to ask God. Should I pray that He let the next death be from illness, because murder and accidents kill our souls. It hurts and I hope God can feel our pain and cover us, cover you and your family. 

My Momo said to me since I was a lil girl and especially when I was going thru trials she would say “Deatra, you have favor with the Lord my child, you are so special to Him, just call Him, He will answer.” I’m so unsure right now and I hope He can hear me even while Im silent, because my soul can’t utter a word, but pain…. Maybe this favor she saw in me is still in me after her death. Maybe, a prayer, just maybe He will hear me and help my family. 

Do we live only to die? How is that living? How is it fair? 


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